Is it just me or do you also have this indescribable fear inside your chest as your birthday approaches closer each day?
It feels like standing at the edge of a cliff and you have no idea what's waiting down below for you. Will it be an avalanche of new responsibilities? Will the questions "when you will get married?" or "when you will have kids?" or "do you plan to even get married?" grow even louder? Will your road be smoother or will it be rougher and tougher and will it push you down to your knees? Will you one day wake up and have a number 30 written on your forehead? Will kids start calling you 'tita', 'obasan おばさん', 'ahjumma' or worst 'old'?
The list only grows longer as my worries and anxiety pounds louder on every corner of my head.
Maybe I worry too much since I only know one person here who has the same age as me and we have different opinions about it.
One day, I asked him, 'aren't you scared of turning 30?' He only shrugged his shoulders and said 'I don't mind. I'm actually looking forward to it.' How I wish I could have that same courage.
So, what is it that really scares me? Is it the pressure of the society to settle down and have everything figured out at this age? Is it leaving behind my precious twenties and start acting like a REAL adult? or is it the fear of actually planning and acting upon those plans for the near future? Because you know, time runs like a reindeer on Christmas Eve when all kids are asleep as Santa Claus soar the skies and drop them gifts.
The answer is YES to all of above.
I'm standing between the line of having the responsibility to grow up and the line of staying carefree and happy like a child. Honestly, I'm frightened to leave the latter.
Have I stepped out of my comfort zone far enough these past few months? Am I ready to face this new chapter? Will I need to leave behind my heart full of wonder, curiosity and swallow the fact that unicorns does not really exist?
The truth is I'm just fanning the flames to my already mountain of worries. Why can't I just live the remaining days of being 29 as happily as I could? When I reach that day, it's not as if my world would shape shift and transform everyone in it. The only one who is doing the changing is none other than...me.If I am to transform, can I please get eyebrows as perfect as Audrey Hepburn's, please?
And I'll be taking my childish heart with me if that's not too much to ask. Besides, I have a lot more to write, to do, to learn and to explore and I need that naivety to make it all the more colorful and magical.
I don't think my dreams of being chased by a man with a blank empty face would stop until I reach 30. Eventually, he will catch up to me and I have no choice but to embrace him, not without a snot and a bagful of matcha chocolate, ice cream and a river of tears. I can't just go down without being a Drama Queen.
As I am counting the very last few days of my lovely 29th chapter, let me plug on my playlist of the 90's greatest hits and reminisce my days of cassette tapes, VHS tapes, Playstation 1 games, throwback Anime and awesome board games.
I guess I need to start looking forward to that new adventure called 'The Dawn of 30' from now on and just be happy about it.
Until then,
Your ever faithful and curious,
Daphne
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| Those days when kissing this fish was my only real goal. |
