Lethally mushy things ahead. Read at your own risk.
Single at 32.
Alone in a foreign land.
Life is divided into 2 - work & home and home & work.
Rinse and repeat.
During my day offs, I would usually curl up with a cup of coffee either watching Netflix or doing some work. Don't worry though, I go out once a month to visit some friends, but I feel a surge of joy when plans are cancelled.
I'm a serial hermit.
I'm an expert loner (and third-wheel)
I'm a happy soloist.
I'm a jovial camper in my own company.
Voices of concern were raised every now and then - my family would urge me to socialize; My bosses would try to hook me up with someone; My friends would pray that I won't fall into the fate of becoming an old cat lady.
I've always reassured the people around me that I don't need a man. I've repeated it so many times that whenever they tell me to find someone for the nth time, I just smiled and waved, just smiled and waved.
I didn't want to waste my energy explaining & arguing back. I just want to be left alone and not be reminded, in endless loop, of my splendid singleness.
Instead of being bitter and hating the fact that I didn't have anyone special, I decided to make myself that special someone. I took myself to dates during my days off. I wrap myself in my own blanket whenever I'm scared or weak. I gave myself permission to cry when nobody is looking and laugh out loud until I can't breathe no more.
I focused on loving myself - the person who I've neglected all these years. I was always on a quest to fix somebody and love those around me that I've pushed fixing and loving myself on the side.
Being single and alone in a foreign country would, somehow, force you to do so. You are on your own. No one's going to take care of you when you're sick or when you need comfort. You have to learn to be your own best friend. You have to know how to watch your back and make decisions for yourself.
The jump I made to venture on my own to Japan was the best decision I've ever made (but not without its challenges). It had molded me to a completely different person since I left the comforts of my home in the Philippines.
I'm at my happiest and that has also taught me that I don't need anybody to make me happy. I've started to half accept that I don't need to meet someone and that I am fated to grow old alone and that it's okay if I do.
Of course, there were days when I wish I could tell someone about my day or the small achievements I made. There were days when I long to be held and to be told that everything will be okay. There were days that I wanted to be reminded how it felt like to fall in love again.
Then one day, while I was walking back to my car, I whispered these words to God:
"Lord, if you think that I am fated to be single forever, then I fully accept it with open arms. But if you think that I am ready to open my heart again, then, even with trembling hands, I will unlock the keys."
I didn't expect my prayers to be heard. Not as soon as I said that I'm ready.
He came in a form of a good friend. I met him again as friend. 0 expectations in my bag. I just wanted to apologize because I didn't show up the last time he was here.
I originally intended to see him only once, given how busy my schedule was during summer. Once turned into twice and thrice and so on...
I bravely opened my heart to this person and divulged how weak I am. We talked for hours like we used to do, but this time, those hours were multiplied by 3. I found myself missing him after dropping him off and my heart skipping when his name pops on my screen.
I've almost completely forgotten how it felt like to have butterflies in my stomach and trying my best not to vomit in front of the person I fancy. I've almost completely forgotten the conflict I struggle with from within when it comes to figuring whether it's another one-sided love I'm dealing with or not. I've almost completely forgotten how it felt like to be vulnerable in front of another person.
The thing they've written about in songs and movies? Like how something feels so perfect when the timing is right? I am a living proof that that myth is not a myth. When you meet that person who feels like home, everything starts to make sense - the years of singleness and heartbreaks, moments of doubts in your prayers, periods of longing.
Things will start to fall into place. It always does in God's perfect timing.
So trust, my friends.
P.S.
Vulnerability is beautiful. Cracks are a work of nature. We are perfectly imperfect creatures.
The second greatest leap I've ever made is to open my heart again, to show my scars to another person. You could only do that if you love yourself enough to trust that even if that person doesn't accept you for who you are, you could always fall back into your arms and move on and maybe, find another soul that you could be brave enough to be fragile with. And if not, that's okay too.
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| The ring I proposed to myself with :) |
