Catching up after almost 3 years - How are you?

Hello! It's been close to 3 years since the last time I wrote.

How are you?

I hope that wherever you are and whatever you're doing, if you are reading this, that you're healthy & happy or if you're carrying some sadness or frustration, that it's okay to feel so too.

A lot has happened in our lives since 2018. The world has experienced a lot of ups & downs since then - political upheavals, the pandemic, the rise of technology & social media, loved ones lost and so many more things that I'm not really well-versed with talking about.

So what have you been up to?

For some of us, we've seen both good and bad - of both people & places we know & never met. For some, we've built new connections & severed some of them. For some, we found new passions & lost some of our old love for things that used to make our hearts leap.

For some, we've learned and grown. For some, like me, we feel like we are back on square one - lost again but in a different place.

Maybe it's the fear of growing and we cling on to the warmth and comfort of where we feel safe. Maybe it's wanting to do everything perfectly from start to finish that we never really started at all. Maybe it's making our busy schedule as an excuse to put our old hobbies aside and that somehow, we lost a chunk of our old selves because of that and now we feel like we've never really moved forward.

If you've felt the same, know that you're not alone.

I've given so many excuses not to go back to writing which is ironically, one of the things that makes me feel so alive. My books have gathered dust & so is my imagination. I used to love going to these fantastic & magical places and go on an adventure and be in another characters shoes and get lost in them for hours on end. I haven't touched my sketchbook & my colored pencils - my love for making art has gotten stale and almost dead. 

I sincerely miss my old passions. 

I sometimes grieve about them like missing old friends.

Through this lost, however, I discovered a new passion - taking photos of nature & anything beautiful I stumble upon (including food!)

Taking photos has filled a small hollow part of my soul that misses dipping my hands into words & losing myself in making art. It has helped me unplug my thoughts about the millions of worries that I have about the future & some of the things that was marked in my past that still haunts me today (don't worry, I'm working with my therapist to overcome this).

It has become a sort of band-aid, a friend & a warm blanket.

Yet, here I am, once again (I'm torn into pieces - oops), trying to rekindle the old flame. Trying to write again, one step at a time; Trying to play my instrument again, one note and strum at a time: trying to read again, one book at a time; doing my best to get back what I've lost (intentionally or not) to my life again.

I miss feeling alive again.

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If you've made it through all my ramblings, I hope that you've found a new passion or have revisited an old one. I hope that you found some solace in this as well.

If you haven't done any of those and is just doing your best to keep your head above water, that's okay too. 

If nobody has told you this until now, you're not alone and your feelings of loneliness & rut are all valid. All feelings are valid.

We are in this together.

Until next time (no pressure when, okay?)

ダフニーより

  

Between Distances

Warming:
Lethally mushy things ahead. Read at your own risk.

Single at 32.
Alone in a foreign land.
Life is divided into 2 - work & home and home & work.
Rinse and repeat.

During my day offs, I would usually curl up with a cup of coffee either watching Netflix or doing some work. Don't worry though, I go out once a month to visit some friends, but I feel a surge of joy when plans are cancelled.

I'm a serial hermit.
I'm an expert loner (and third-wheel)
I'm a happy soloist.
I'm a jovial camper in my own company.

Voices of concern were raised every now and then - my family would urge me to socialize; My bosses would try to hook me up with someone; My friends would pray that I won't fall into the fate of becoming an old cat lady.

I've always reassured the people around me that I don't need a man. I've repeated it so many times that whenever they tell me to find someone for the nth time, I just smiled and waved, just smiled and waved.

I didn't want to waste my energy explaining & arguing back. I just want to be left alone and not be reminded, in endless loop, of my splendid singleness.

Instead of being bitter and hating the fact that I didn't have anyone special, I decided to make myself that special someone. I took myself to dates during my days off. I wrap myself in my own blanket whenever I'm scared or weak. I gave myself permission to cry when nobody is looking and laugh out loud until I can't breathe no more.

I focused on loving myself - the person who I've neglected all these years. I was always on a quest to fix somebody and love those around me that I've pushed fixing and loving myself on the side.

Being single and alone in a foreign country would, somehow, force you to do so. You are on your own. No one's going to take care of you when you're sick or when you need comfort. You have to learn to be your own best friend. You have to know how to watch your back and make decisions for yourself.

The jump I made to venture on my own to Japan was the best decision I've ever made (but not without its challenges). It had molded me to a completely different person since I left the comforts of my home in the Philippines.

I'm at my happiest and that has also taught me that I don't need anybody to make me happy. I've started to half accept that I don't need to meet someone and that I am fated to grow old alone and that it's okay if I do.

Of course, there were days when I wish I could tell someone about my day or the small achievements I made. There were days when I long to be held and to be told that everything will be okay. There were days that I wanted to be reminded how it felt like to fall in love again.

Then one day, while I was walking back to my car, I whispered these words to God:
"Lord, if you think that I am fated to be single forever, then I fully accept it with open arms. But if you think that I am ready to open my heart again, then, even with trembling hands, I will unlock the keys."

I didn't expect my prayers to be heard. Not as soon as I said that I'm ready.

He came in a form of a good friend. I met him again as friend. 0 expectations in my bag. I just wanted to apologize because I didn't show up the last time he was here.

I originally intended to see him only once, given how busy my schedule was during summer. Once turned into twice and thrice and so on...

I bravely opened my heart to this person and divulged how weak I am. We talked for hours like we used to do, but this time, those hours were multiplied by 3. I found myself missing him after dropping him off and my heart skipping when his name pops on my screen.

I've almost completely forgotten how it felt like to have butterflies in my stomach and trying my best not to vomit in front of the person I fancy. I've almost completely forgotten the conflict I struggle with from within when it comes to figuring whether it's another one-sided love I'm dealing with or not. I've almost completely forgotten how it felt like to be vulnerable in front of another person.

The thing they've written about in songs and movies? Like how something feels so perfect when the timing is right? I am a living proof that that myth is not a myth. When you meet that person who feels like home, everything starts to make sense -  the years of singleness and heartbreaks, moments of doubts in your prayers, periods of longing.

Things will start to fall into place. It always does in God's perfect timing.

So trust, my friends.

P.S.
Vulnerability is beautiful. Cracks are a work of nature. We are perfectly imperfect creatures.

The second greatest leap I've ever made is to open my heart again, to show my scars to another person. You could only do that if you love yourself enough to trust that even if that person doesn't accept you for who you are, you could always fall back into your arms and move on and maybe, find another soul that you could be brave enough to be fragile with. And if not, that's okay too.

The ring I proposed to myself with :) 

The rut

I was up a minute earlier, listening to the silence of the room and the roaring of my breath against my pillow. I waited and watched as my phone finally buzzed and lit, its mechanical voice chanting the time, 'it's 6:45am'. over and over again. I closed my eyes tight, beckoning myself to go back to sleep, but there's a heaviness in my chest that keeps me from sleeping or from doing anything at all.

I was awake, but I was numb.

It's 8 am. My eyes were sore from scrolling through Twitter and Instagram. My throat was itching to scream, but I held my tongue. 

It's 12 noon. I'm on the road. I have to put the mask on before anyone sees the cracks underneath.

It's 9pm. I peeled it off, kicked my shoes and sunk into bed until I wake up a minute earlier than my alarm again.


I was on a downward spiral, the bottom curve of the U, and stuck on a rut.

I stopped writing, reading and playing my ukulele, these things I love with with all my heart.

I was grasping for something in the dark, anything to help me swim up the surface of this ocean. Instead, I found myself, the one with bad temper but had no strength to get angry, the one who felt so much pain but had no strength to cry, and the one who felt alone but had no strength to speak to anyone.

Everyday, I felt writhing hands squeeze my heart and I would gasp for air but careful not to scream. I would turn to food and alcohol and cooping up myself up in my room so nobody else could see.

I was ashamed to admit I was sad. 

I was ashamed to admit that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was.

One day, I was in so much pain that I thought of seeking help. Anyone to talk to, anyone who could possibly not shun me after hearing what a rut I have become.

But I held it back, until another month passes. I told myself I was able to push past it in the past, why can't I do it now?

I treaded on until it starts affecting my work. I felt dread whenever the first day of the work week comes. I procrastinated. I missed deadlines. I was falling in a dark hole.

I kept reminding myself how blessed I was to be even working in Japan, that l love my job and I've searched all my life something as fulfilling as this. I used this as my life jacket. I clung on it until it snapped.

I was being drifted by my misery, being sunk by this heavy and dark sadness. I didn't even had the strength to hate myself more than I hated myself before.

This was my winter. This was drought. This was my flood.

I allowed the wolves to feast on me. I allowed myself to be weak & fragile. I allowed myself to disappoint myself.

Maybe I needed that. Maybe it was the only way to kick me out of my rut. In this world which celebrates happiness and optimism and shuns sadness and loneliness. Maybe its my reminder of my humanity and that I can be sad when I felt like it and I can be lonely when I felt like it.

And maybe I am allowed that. 

P.S. And if a friend tells you he or she feels sad, open your heart and your arms to that person. Don't tell him or her to get over it. All you need to do is hug that person and tell him or her that you'll be there no matter what.

That's how my sister saved me :) 

   

Day 10 Journaling Challenge - The Finish Line!

Hold up! Before you dive into the last entry, play this video on the background. I think it is fitting tribute for my last journal entry.

Click this! Kimi no nawa - Sparkle by Radwimps :)

Finally! It's here! The finish line! I can't believe I made it through day 10. Honestly, it was more challenging than I expected. I usually come home from work, dead tired and my brain even deader than a walker from Walking Dead.
I couldn't say I didn't enjoy writing these entries. Actually, through this experience, I was able to find myself and my passion again.

The whole truth behind this shenanigan is to find myself. Ashamed as I may be to admit it, last year, I've lost in touch with my creative self. I was so absorbed with gaining security with my job and my status in Japan that I forgot how good it felt each time I made a poetry or a short entry. The rush, exhilaration and bliss of materializing the words and thoughts that floats around the spaces of my mind feels like hearing my child utter his first words or kissing those lips that I so long want to taste for the first time.

Each poetry, each silly journal entry and fan fiction shorts are my children. Everyone flawed in their every way and yet, beautiful in their own words.

The journey with this journal entries felt like a reawakening and a rebirth of my heart and soul. I learned to notice the little things around me. I especially love the curve of people's eyes when they smile and how they look back and do a polite bow before disappearing from sight.

I also learned how to write for myself and myself only. I stopped caring what other people think and just let go of these words dangling from my silent lips. Through this, I discovered another style of writing which I would love to explore further. Although, I still love writing emo stuff so it's possible that that kind will pop around once in a while.

Finally, I learned that despite of the selfish reason why I started this challenge, there are still people who loves me enough to read through all of it. This has inspired me to push through the heavy veil of writer's block and punch procrastination on the face.

From the bottom of my heart, to my dearest readers, my family and my friends and my silent readers, domo arigatou gozaimasu and I love you from the moon and back! You guys have helped me get out of the mud and walk tall again with my button-nose, short but happy.

So what's next? I hate making promises so I'll just use the word "try". I won't be able to write for days straight like how I tried to do so with this challenge, but I will try to write a couple every week.

This I promise though - I will not stop writing and stirring your hearts with my words :)

Again, I can't thank everyone enough for supporting me and helping me find my way again.

You guys are the best! Remember, if you're feeling lonely, in the dark, or like no one cares, say this to yourself - "you are strong, beautiful and you'll be okay no matter what happens." This magic chant has always worked for me and I hope it helps you someday when you're in need of a nudge or a lift on one of your dark times :)

Stay awesome, you beautiful people!

Here's a little something for you guys. Just me and my virtual twin, Edna from the Incredibles. She's my inspiration for my new haircut lol

Twinning with Edna. Sorry I forgot to put on my glasses!

Love,
Daphne

Day 9 Journaling Challenge

First of all, I would like to apologize for the delay of this entry. I was so beat yesterday that I fell asleep as soon as I posted the announcement.

Anyway, on to the second-to-the-last entry. Woohoo! This one will be short and of course, I can't end this journaling challenge without talking about my favorite companion - books!

Yep, that was me on the reflection of my shades.

By now, everyone who read my journal entry day 3 knew that I am an expert aloner ('cause loner means lonely, and I am not!) I cannot deny my love for quiet walks around my neighborhood with only my thoughts as company. I especially adore spending time learning a new song on my Ukulele on my day offs or drinking a cup of tea on a cold evening with Netflix on  (by the way, I'm loving this series called Anne with an E). I also love just lying on my bed in the warm embrace of my blankets with a book propped on my knees and reading until my eyes could take no more.

By the way, I also love watching movies alone in the cinema. I used to do that when I was in the Philippines, I cannot do it here now though. It's just way too expensive! It's 2500Yen or around 1200pesos for you information.

Recently, with 70% of my time spent being with myself, books have saved me from the awkward and pitying glances of people in restaurants. Books have also saved me when I have to go to a salon to get a haircut or when I have to do a 3-hour wait at the airport for my connecting flight and feel like talking to no one.

Books have saved me from looking like a fool in public for daring to dine alone in a quaint coffee shop. Books have saved my mind from wandering too far off. 

Books are my best friend, my teacher and a map to another world that awaits my soul hungry for wanderlust.

As far and as long as I can remember, the smell of the paper and the feel of the spine of a book on my hands stirs up my soul. I could spend all day in a bookstore and go bankrupt from buying mountain of books that I would probably read in one day or never read at all. I could stay up all night and get lost in another world created by another person's words and thoughts. I could dream about the characters I met and wonder what they're going to do next and picture myself in their situation and wonder what I would do if I am faced with the same tribulations.

Books are one of humanity's greatest creations. It has saved my life and lead me to find my passion. It has taught me to go beyond my imagination, step out of the comforts of my safety net and dare myself to put my thoughts on paper. It showed me the infectious joy of finding connection from another person who read the same book and talk about it for hours on end.

Books are pools of wisdom. Books are a result of a writer's blood, sweat and tears and hours of editing and rewriting. Books are life changers.

If you are in need of comfort and a hand to hold, grab a book you loved and go back to its pages. You will surely find solace in its familiar words (My go-to book is The Fault in Our Stars. A good ugly cry always helps!).

P.S. This book is an ode to my fellow bookworms, and to my mom who taught me the joys of reading :)

Day 8 Journaling Challenge

Below is the picture taken after my storm.

Yesterday, If you read my last entry, I was blabbing about challenges and how I overcame them, without knowing, as I went out excitedly for a drive around the city today, a big challenge awaits me.

Here's what happened: I got this planned down from the time I have to leave to the time I have to come back home to do some lesson planning for the week. And so, I embarked on my short drive to Muji to get the below pens I've been dying to get my hands on for my workbook. 

They're worth the 40-minute drive :)

Around 11:30am, I arrived safe, but a bit shaken from the traffic at my destination. I thought everything was going well. I was dreamily browsing furniture and school supplies at the store when I decided to check for my car keys. I usually hook it to the zipper of my bag. Frantically and with my heart beating on my throat, I searched my bag, turned it inside and out, but found nothing. At the back of my head, I knew I left my keys at my car AGAIN. As I was checking out at the counter, I was racking my head for ways on how to get my keys back. 

Option A: Ask someone for help.

Option B: Buy a hanger and try to jimmy the lock with it (by all means, I am no locksmith but I heard of this trick)

Option C: Call rescue from a locksmith company (which by the way, will cost me a leg)

As soon as I swiped my card and left the store, feeling numb from the problem that I was about to face, I raced to my car to see if my keys were there. In Japan, there's only a 1% chance that someone would run off with your car, so I was half-wishing that I forgot to lock my door. 

But I didn't.

There it was, my keys sitting like a king on the passenger , staring back at me, my biggest fear realized. One of the good things about this stupid mistake was I left my passenger side window cracked open about 3 -4 inches. I tried pushing it down but of course, it's futile. I ran to the guards stationed there and asked them if they could help me, but they just shrugged and went back to their business. I ran to one of the stores and told them about my situation, but I was met with the same response - a cold shrug. 

I wasn't bothered by it because I half-expected it already. I've been in situations where I was left to fend for myself and I did okay anyway. So, this one, I thought, would be okay too.

I'll be okay. 

I kept repeating this to myself as I was sprinting in the cold winter drizzle, desperate to get this over with.

"Daiso, they have everything," I thought so I made my way there and grabbed what I thought I needed. I had the hangers on my hand already when I saw this 7m malleable wires. I reckoned it would do the job but it was another stupid decision I made today.

I went back to my car half-running and half-dazed with fear and adrenaline. I kept repeating my mantra in my head while I prayed to God to send me help.

I googled how to unlock your car and found various ways. I tried the shoestring trick but I cannot do a slip knot and the sides of  the doors of my car was sealed with rubber, so that didn't work. I tried the hanger trick but I bought the stupid wire and it was too soft to even jimmy the lock. I tried fishing my keys through the opening I left on the window but again, the stupid wire was too soft. I tried making a hook out of the wire to try and pull my locks, but that didn't work too.

It was raining. It was freezing, My insides are on fire from panic and from calming myself at the same time. People were getting off their cars and casting me strange glances and probably talking about that girl who's trying to slip a wire on a car. I paid them no attention and kept myself busy with busting into my car.

My savior arrived in his pink car. Quite dainty for an old guy, I say. He wore this black jacket and has thinning white hair. His eyes though, I would never forget. They were kind and bright. "Miss, are you okay?" he asked. I shook my head and I explained to him, in my best Japanese, what had happened. Without any hesitation, he took the wire from my hands and tried fishing my keys with the wire. When he saw that didn't work, he tried hooking the lock with the wire, but that didn't work either. 

He called out to other Japanese guys nearby for help. One came but said he cannot help. Some Taiwanese tourist even offered aid (I felt bad for taking their vacation time), but they have to leave since they're on a tour.

Then, after we've tried several minutes using the wire I have, the kind ojii (grandpa) told me to keep trying while he fetch some wire hangers from the nearby store. The rain kept pattering and my hands shook non-stop, but hope didn't left me,  

I'll be okay, I told myself again.

Finally, when I thought of seriously calling a locksmith for help, Kind Ojii came back with an uncoiled wire hanger. We tried fishing my keys with it, but it was too short. Then, when I thought that Kind Ojii was in a brink of giving up, a nice couple came by and noticed our plight. The husband (my hero) came, with a cigarette in his mouth and asked what's going on. Kind Ojii explained the situation to him since I could barely speak from the terror that's eating me up inside. I only was able to say "arigatou" and "sumimasen (sorry or excuse me)" all throughout the time he and the Kind Ojii were trying to fish my keys. His lovely wife came with an umbrella to help keep us from the rain. She consoled me and reminded me to be careful next time.

During this moment, I was overwhelmed with the kindness and compassion of strangers. When I first arrived in Okinawa, a stranger helped me find the right bus to get on to. When I got lost in Fukuoka, a stranger helped me with directions. When I was struggling to find a job, my now boss, who was a stranger then, offered me a job. 

As I witness my keys being pulled from the crack on my passenger side window, I kept thanking God over and over for sending his help through the kind strangers I met today. I also thanked God for I knew that these strangers will not leave me without seeing to it that I get into my car.   

I wouldn't be able to get home and be where I am today without help from these kind strangers who expected nothing in return. That moment earlier reminded me to to pay their kindness forward by helping other strangers in need. So if you see someone in trouble, go and help. Who knows, you might be the person they're praying for to come and save them.

 

Presenting, my Team Rusty keychains :)

Day 7 Journaling Challenge

I'm struggling to keep my eyes open and resist the temptation of diving into the comforts of my bed, so I'll make today's entry short.

I was up and running our store from 11am and finally closed at 6pm tonight. I've lost count of how many times I said "arigatou gozaimashita" (thank you very much) and "irasshaimase" (welcome) to the stream of customers that came today. On top of this, I was tasked to steam iron 100 pieces of clothing whilst checking out the customers and making sure that no kids drown on the toilet. Yeah, 'cause shopping moms tend to get absorbed with digging through the racks of clothes and completely forget the existence of their kids.

Today, with aching arms from slinging that steamer around and a big happy grin on my face, I noticed that I am more capable than I think I am.

Long time ago, when Daphne was still dreaming of speaking Japanese and living on her own, until now, that she's living her dream, she still doubts herself a thousand times but surprisingly, rises to the occasion and crosses the finish line.

I actually always surprise myself. Looking back, I've always doubted that I could do anything remarkable. I always thought I would quit halfway and just drift somewhere with the hopes that I could find something more within my capabilities. Inevitably, I'll end up somewhere that would test me to the very edge of my limits. I remember feeling so shaken up and nervous that I might do something on my driving test. Or that one time when I was placed in-charge of organizing a volunteer event, I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night before with the fear of messing the entire thing because this that whole thing is just too massive for me.

And yet, I emerged from them with patches of sweat on my armpits, laughing and exhilarated from these little victories. Each challenge in itself was a journey of doubting myself a lot and exceeding expectations I've set on myself, punching the wall from overwhelming frustration and jumping up and down when my name was called as one of the successful examinees, crying tears of joy in the car and going home victorious, happy and at peace.

So, how exactly did I manage these challenges? Everyone has their own way of dealing with their problems, but let me briefly share my secret formula.

1. I set ZERO expectations on myself, that way, there's no room for disappointment.

2. I just do it! That's right! Just do it like Nike says. No room for overthinking. Just do it. Stop counting. Just do it! Except for cliff dives, just count me out!

3. I pray to God that she sends me the right people who will help me overcome what lies ahead.

This hasn't been scientifically proven and tested by scientist but this weird combination definitely works for me!  I guess number one attests to my thinking that I am more capable than I think I am. With zero expectations and being able to cross the finish line after, without a shed of expectations on myself, just purely operating from the determination of completing the job and with the help of people around, the expected reaction would, without a doubt, surprise.   

Yep, I ironed these and more

How about you? How do you wrestle with a challenge? I would love to learn a thing or two from you!

P.S. Every trials or tribulations you've experienced, you are experiencing and will experience is a journey itself. No matter where you are on that journey, hold on and pray a lot, I assure you that you will get through it :) Don't forget to celebrate it with Netflix and ice cream later :)