To you who I almost loved

Do you remember the time when you plucked the first note and how starry-eyed I looked as you played your lullaby? I kept every melody, the way your caramel eyes looked whenever you entered in the trance of your own music, and every lyrics I've been wanting to sing but never did.

Do you remember those mornings when we'll bask in the sun and get lost in each other's broken language? Laughing, dreaming and me, quietly wishing it would never end?

Do you remember when we would dare dream about the future? Yours was as bright as the sunlight against my stark and hopeless dreams of what I could be?

If you don't, I do. Until now it still haunts me; your songs in my playlist became a shadow of you; your stories remained tattooed but narrated in someone else's voice now; the time I've spent with you became a distant memory, a memory I hope never to go back to.

I was ashamed.  I was guilty of dreaming of loving you. I looked like a complete idiot, thinking that I could finally allow myself to love someone again.

It was a bright afternoon, I remember. I rushed down the flight of stairs, my heart pounding against my chest.

"You could do this! You got this" I repeated to myself. "Today is the day I'll tell!"

My palms were sweaty and you kept your eyes fixed on the ground. We walked past one, two and on the third block, you stopped and turned around. You looked nervous and your voice was shaking when you said, "Did you know?"

How could you bring yourself to forget the day when everything suddenly fell apart? Like the ground swallowing you up or someone hammering your knees but you were not allowed to scream or cry in pain?

"Yes" I croaked and swallowed hard as my heart was being torched to ashes.

Yes. I knew.

I knew that you love someone else, but I was just too afraid to say I do. I saw the signs, but I shook it off as a bad dream. I prayed and I hoped that for once,what my gut was telling me was a completely and utter lie.

And yet, I have to hear it from you, because if I didn't, then I would be trapped in this stupid fantasy.

"Do you feel anything for me?" you asked so softly, as if you were being careful not to break me.

Did you know, during that moment, I have to fight with all my might not to cry in front of you? Did you know that I forced myself to smile and say 'no' so I won't have to put you through any pain because of my puny and desperate feelings for you? Did you know that I did all of that because I almost loved you?

I waited until I could no longer see you from the corner of the street. I tried hard to stop myself from running to where no one could see or hear me and cry and scream until I fall asleep. When I finally allowed myself to breathe, bleed and grieve,  I let myself bury every memory of you so I could stop myself from running back and tell you that 'yes, I do feel something for you'.

It was too late, I know, but I didn't regret it. I was consumed with loathing for myself then and I wouldn't want anyone to deal with that.

I hope that you are happy and healthy wherever you are right now. I know that somewhere out there, with your heart on your sleeves, you are chasing after your dreams on your big bicycle.

I could still see you running barefoot in the grass, laughing and jumping, in my mind. I could still hear the echoes of your music, but not your voice for it has completely faded away.  I could still remember your favorites, but I'll avoid them in the aisles of the grocery store.

The bleeding has stopped now and the wound is starting to heal.

I hope that you are too, with whatever pain I caused you, but I hope with all my heart to never see you again.

The letter I will never send to you

It's been a while.

How have you been? I can see in your posts that you are doing quite well, going to places I've only dreamed of going with you.

Do you still remember? Those  words that came tumbling out of your lips? I held on to them. I provided shelter inside my heart for them. In the end, they were as empty as the other promises we've made to each other.

You were never mine but I was always yours.

The times I had with you are the best and worst parts of my life melded together in one giant canvas.

It was a beautiful and haunting masterpiece. So beautiful and haunting that I never had the courage to lock it away.

What happened to us? Why did we end up this way? Why can't we say the words? Why can't we look into each other's eyes and see the stars behind it?

I spent nights trying to figure out this puzzle which means I've spent my nights with you running around my head.

Until one day, I found the answer while furiously sipping on my Matcha Latte.

Matcha? I've never been fond of it when I was there since I was obsessed with something else. That something else I've left you with - a trace of me I know that you will never forget.

I don't remember the day I first met you but I remember clearly the last time I did. I remember the days spent watching you from afar. I remember the days dreaming about the future with you. I remember the days walking so close to you but our hands never did dare touch.  I remember the days crying myself to sleep and waking up the next morning whispering your name. I remember the days convincing myself that if I love you hard enough, you will one day love me as much too.

It never did come true.

From the very first time my heart skipped a bit on the sight of you, I knew that you will never be mine.

My greatest fear then was hurting you. I was so afraid of losing you. So afraid that I let you treat me less than what I deserved.

I never did tell you how I really felt. I never told you how you are tearing me apart with your bare hands. I stood silently and prayed that maybe one day you will see how much I can bear all of it just for you.

I became your shelter. You became my storm. I became your knight in shining armor. You became the enemy that slayed me while my back was turned. I became your strength. You became my weakness.

I knew your angels and demons like the beat of my favorite song but you never knew a thing about me.

It was after all, all about you. It was never about me. During the times that I tried to make it about us, you retaliate and called me names - fool, bipolar, crazy and things I never would want to hear.

You've shattered me. You belittled me like no else in my life ever did. I tried to run into your arms but you cut me down with your words.

It was a train wreck, the ground beneath us were breaking. You became a monster. You slipped out of my reach. My voice turned to mere murmurs. Your cries were all that I can hear. I was destroying myself as you were doing the same to yourself.

And yet, I still loved you.

From the moment I last heard your voice until I stopped hearing it echo in my dreams, I loved you.

Now, at this very moment, as my heart are typing this words, I still do love you.

No matter which lifetime, no matter what happens to us in the future I will always do.

But I will never go back to you. I am smart enough now to keep myself from getting torn to pieces again but I am still foolish enough to care for you from afar.

I guess I'm okay with seeing that you are doing good. It is more than enough to me to have felt and to know how much I am capable of and how much my heart can take.

I am lucky enough to love someone with my entire being and not get a single drop in return.

I guess I'm okay with that - it's more than enough.

If fate is kind enough to grant me this wish - I hope to never see you again.

After all, that's the best for both of us.