To you who I almost loved

Do you remember the time when you plucked the first note and how starry-eyed I looked as you played your lullaby? I kept every melody, the way your caramel eyes looked whenever you entered in the trance of your own music, and every lyrics I've been wanting to sing but never did.

Do you remember those mornings when we'll bask in the sun and get lost in each other's broken language? Laughing, dreaming and me, quietly wishing it would never end?

Do you remember when we would dare dream about the future? Yours was as bright as the sunlight against my stark and hopeless dreams of what I could be?

If you don't, I do. Until now it still haunts me; your songs in my playlist became a shadow of you; your stories remained tattooed but narrated in someone else's voice now; the time I've spent with you became a distant memory, a memory I hope never to go back to.

I was ashamed.  I was guilty of dreaming of loving you. I looked like a complete idiot, thinking that I could finally allow myself to love someone again.

It was a bright afternoon, I remember. I rushed down the flight of stairs, my heart pounding against my chest.

"You could do this! You got this" I repeated to myself. "Today is the day I'll tell!"

My palms were sweaty and you kept your eyes fixed on the ground. We walked past one, two and on the third block, you stopped and turned around. You looked nervous and your voice was shaking when you said, "Did you know?"

How could you bring yourself to forget the day when everything suddenly fell apart? Like the ground swallowing you up or someone hammering your knees but you were not allowed to scream or cry in pain?

"Yes" I croaked and swallowed hard as my heart was being torched to ashes.

Yes. I knew.

I knew that you love someone else, but I was just too afraid to say I do. I saw the signs, but I shook it off as a bad dream. I prayed and I hoped that for once,what my gut was telling me was a completely and utter lie.

And yet, I have to hear it from you, because if I didn't, then I would be trapped in this stupid fantasy.

"Do you feel anything for me?" you asked so softly, as if you were being careful not to break me.

Did you know, during that moment, I have to fight with all my might not to cry in front of you? Did you know that I forced myself to smile and say 'no' so I won't have to put you through any pain because of my puny and desperate feelings for you? Did you know that I did all of that because I almost loved you?

I waited until I could no longer see you from the corner of the street. I tried hard to stop myself from running to where no one could see or hear me and cry and scream until I fall asleep. When I finally allowed myself to breathe, bleed and grieve,  I let myself bury every memory of you so I could stop myself from running back and tell you that 'yes, I do feel something for you'.

It was too late, I know, but I didn't regret it. I was consumed with loathing for myself then and I wouldn't want anyone to deal with that.

I hope that you are happy and healthy wherever you are right now. I know that somewhere out there, with your heart on your sleeves, you are chasing after your dreams on your big bicycle.

I could still see you running barefoot in the grass, laughing and jumping, in my mind. I could still hear the echoes of your music, but not your voice for it has completely faded away.  I could still remember your favorites, but I'll avoid them in the aisles of the grocery store.

The bleeding has stopped now and the wound is starting to heal.

I hope that you are too, with whatever pain I caused you, but I hope with all my heart to never see you again.