Day 3 Journaling Challenge

Let me pose this scenario to you: You want to have a nice lunch somewhere, like in a nice cafe or a restaurant, or you want to watch this movie that you've been dying to see and have watched the trailer a hundred times due to your unsatiated desire to watch the film. Here's the catch though - you're alone - No boyfriend, friends busy on the only day you're free and your family living a thousand miles away.

How would you feel if you're in that situation? Would you still watch the movie or go dine somewhere by yourself?

9 out of 10 would say "no way! That's so sad! Call me if you want to catch a movie or go eat somewhere!"

Okay. That scenario up there is me. Obviously.

So today, while I was taking a stroll at this big mall in Okinawa, I noticed the liberating joy of being alone.

I look forward to the days and the few quiet minutes in the morning when I could be alone with my thoughts and let my mind wander & imagine things and far-off places that people around me wouldn't dare try to understand.

I look forward to the few minutes before I drift off to sleep to tell myself that I did my best today and that I could do better tomorrow.

I look forward to my day offs when my time is mine and mine alone and that I could get lost driving Rusty around town and discover new places.

I look forward to the minutes or hours spent on the floor of my room, just getting my hands tattooed with ink blots from my pen or graphite stain from my pencil.

I could go on and on but I won't bore you any further.

A lot of people identifies "being alone" to "being lonely". If you are one of them, then I don't think you'd want to read on any further. But if you're still willing to bear with me, then a big high five to you and a virtual hug from the land of Okinawa Soba and purple yam flavored KitKats. (You're so defensive, Daphne)

There are a lot of days when I long for a companion or a partner. Sometimes, I can't help but think that I should have brought one of my sisters or my friends with me here in Okinawa. During the times I'm in pain, I would sorely wish that someone would buy me a painkiller or cook me congee or caress my hair until I fall asleep.

However, I have more instances that I am thankful that I am alone. Like times when I want to walk around the house naked or sing my heart out in the car without the fear of damaging someone's eyes or eardrums. Many times, I am thankful that I am the only one to endure my cooking or my messy room or my random loud farts. Every day, I am grateful that I am building the courage to fight the fear of doing things by myself, loving myself and admitting to myself that sometimes I am beautiful and it's okay to love even the most broken part of me.

Aloneness is not loneliness my friends.

This time of my life is the truest I've ever been to myself. I admit I still like my old Animes, braiding my hair and sleeping with my stuffed animals. There are times that I would try to change them but inevitably, I learned to accept them. This childish Daphne is another part of me that I need to embrace.

Being alone taught me how to accept myself wholeheartedly, through loud farts and bad morning breath.

Being alone taught me that I have untapped strength within me that would get me through anything in life - bad period pains, stubbed toe nails or broken hearts.

Being alone taught me that you are responsible for your own happiness and that happiness lies within you.

Being alone doesn't suck. It's fun! It's just a matter of perspective. Just think about that whole tub of ice cream all to yourself :)

I should get a haircut soon

Day 2 Journaling Challenge

Before I start, here's a disclaimer: this journal entry is not a love story. Sorry to disappoint!

Today, I noticed this feeling of rookieness, thanks to this cute waiter/floor staff guy in this restaurant I went to for lunch. I noticed how frantic and clueless he was, going here and there, making mistakes here and there, and just plainly having a bad day at work.

I remember the days when I first held the wheel of a car and my first test drive on the road - sweaty palms, drumming heart, and pulse at 150 miles per minute.

I remember the time when I first held my very first class as a teacher. I am not the merry-type of person (not to be confused with marry) and I am not especially the one to strike a conversation first. My voice was shaking, my knees were trembling and I plastered this twitchy smile on my face the entire 60 minutes of my first ever English conversation class.

I remember my first day of being alone in a foreign country and my first time being so far away from my family. I second-guessed every decision made. Each day I thought I sucked at adulting and being responsible for myself.  And I hated my inability to do anything on my own. 

But guess what? I survived all of these!

As I was driving home tonight on the dark yet peaceful streets of Okinawa (save for my out-of-tune singing in the car), I looked at my hands clutching the wheel and realized "Wow! I can drive! It kinda felt like a dream, but I can drive!"

Not so long ago, I was overwhelmed and terrified of doing these things. It still feels like a dream but look at me now! It may be far from perfect but I'm doing it!

The stage of rookieness (okay, I'm coining this word) is a phase of total confusion and totally feeling stupid and helplessness and hating every part of you for not getting it right the first time. I totally understand cute guy's expression earlier - the expression of sheer flabbergast in a jungle of hungry Japanese people and a super busy kitchen. But let me tell you, just hang in there and try not to kick anyone's dog!

After you've thought you got the hang of everything and you're pass the stage of rookieness. You know, like when you're playing Snakes and Ladders or Dark Souls 2. You'd think, "wow! I'm almost in the finish line!" Then, you'll land on a snake and it will send you back to square 1 or an enemy boss would totally kick your ass after grinding all day and you'd realize that THIS IS DARK SOULS! WHO AM I KIDDING?!

No matter where we are in life, we'll experience so much rookieness that a week or a month (depending where you are on the board) won't be enough to tell all about it. 

I am still a rookie in life. Sometimes  Most of the time, it makes me want to pull all the hairs on my head and kick my neighbors noisy chihuahuas (Yes, you're not imagining it. There's more than one). Ironically, it gives me comfort too - that everyone else on the planet is a rookie like me who are trying to figure out where they're going and what they're doing.

And as for you cute guy, even though you totally sucked today, tomorrow, who knows, you might not suck so much. Until then, try not to mix up other people's orders. It's a good place to start.

You may be a rookie now, but tomorrow, who knows, maybe you'll be a rookie level 2 and that's not so bad! . If that gives you any comfort.

Proud of my beginner's mark

Day 1 Journaling Challenge

Today I noticed how I keep killing my plants...involuntarily, of course. The first one I had was last year, around the middle of summer, when I moved fresh to my tiny but adorable apartment which sometimes smells weirdly of sewers and a dead rat? I tried to find the source of the only thing I hate about my little space but all my efforts were futile. I've turned everything over inside and out. Nothing. Sometimes, I can't help but think that I have an invisible room mate who would leave a generous fart so something would greet me when I come home.

By the way, the first one died a wrinkly death.

Anyway, again, I tried my hands on a new plant. It was love at first sight. It's a shinobu plant I bought from a 100 yen store. With this little one, I put a lot of heart and hope that I will be able to provide him a well-lead life. Every day, I would wake up and look at him gently swaying from the breeze coming from my window, some of his arms raised in a salute towards the sky. Every day too, I would see that some of his arms fall to his side, wilting and dying on his sad blue can. Now, I can only see a couple still fighting and I, sometimes, in desperate hope, would whisper 'gambare' (do your best/keep fighting) to it.

And yet, I know the truth, but I don't want to stop hoping for his well-lead life. 

Hanzo, my shinbou plant