Day 5 Journaling challenge

Looking back, this whole journal challenge's purpose is not only for me to overcome my massive writer's block, but it is also a way for me to rediscover and reconnect with myself. It's kind of selfish actually, but allow me, just this once (or maybe even a couple more) to tell you about this tale from not so far, far away.

I guess I've been foreshadowing this topic for the past few entries. If you've been reading them from day one, I reckon it won't be a big surprise that today, I've noticed, quite so clearly, the relationship I have with the good and bad wolf within me a.k.a the Tale of the Angry Mean Obaa and Nice Fairy Godmother.

When you've done something reckless like commented "kuwaii" (scary) instead of "kawaii" (cute) to your customer's new born baby or sent that silly photo meant to your friend to that cute guy at work (btw, I've only done the first one, hopefully I won't be careless enough to do the latter), don't you have this voice inside your head that shouts profanities at you? I've always have that voice, that harsh critique, that grumpy loathsome echo who keeps check of my mistakes. I call that voice the mean obaa (granny).

Yep, I have that in my head. Sexy, isn't it?

When I was at the blossom of my youth (Ah! I feel old saying this), mean obaa was just an angry obaa. She would scold me, and at times, replay my misses 99 times before the day ends. I would then proceed to soothe the pain with a stolen cake from the fridge - ladies and gentlemen, the reason why my face never deflates.

Now that I'm not that young anymore (Ah! I feel even older saying this), angry obaa turned into angry plus mean obaa. She would recall, in her throaty and insulting tone, all my fails of the day and of the past 10 years 99 times, plus reciting what I should have done with a cluck from her tongue at the end of each sentence. At least she got wiser!

It's unfair to say that mean obaa stays her demeaning self all the time. Actually, in some of my moments of defeat and ugly crying, she would sweep in the room, offer me a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate, and turn into an enchanting fairy tucking me sweetly to sleep.

What this fiasco about is the two sides of myself which are constantly fighting to be allowed to be seated on the passenger seat. Honestly, and I am ashamed to say this, I used to listen to the angry and mean obaa before, all the time. I guess I just groove to their beat. I've danced to their disco so much that I've made myself my greatest enemy and torn my self-confidence entirely.

Maybe, that's one of the reasons why I chased love so much before. I was looking for broken people to fix in the hopes that they would return the favor. I have to admit. I was total mess in the past, and that's largely because I let the obaa rule.

Now, I cannot attest entirely that she's gone. She's still here, hanging around all the time, sipping her tea with a sour expression. Recently, however, I am happy to report that I've been hanging out with her whimsical version, my nice fairy godmother, 65% of the time. And here's why she's awesome:

1. Nice Fairy godmother is the one who tells me "I'll be okay" or "we can do it, baby! Just hold on a little while longer, we're up next for the toilet!"

2. She's also the one who praises my accidental delicious recipe or pats me at my shoulder when I finally able to play that song in my Ukulele without a fret.

3. She's my cheerleader when I needed a pep talk on the times I cannot ask anyone to give me some cheering.

4. She's my positive critique on my writing or my silly art and would leave me with tons of "muy biens." and deep "mhms".

5. She's one of my biggest fan and would tell me to get up and dress up since today is a clean blank slate to be showered with pastel rainbow colors and Master Yoda's singing Seagulls! (Stop it Now). If you don't know what I'm talking about, click this baby - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9t-slLl30E

This year, I am planning on listening to my Nice Fairy Godmother more and start building a good and tight relationship with her. After all, if I keep listening to the Angry Mean Obaa, I might end up wrinkly and throaty before I know it. I'd rather be sparkly and nice with a pumpkin carriage for a transportation!

So which of the two would you rather have on your passenger seat, the Mean Angry Obaa or the Nice Fairy Godmother? 

P.S.  If you're at conflict with yourself right now or someday in the future, always know that I am here and you're not alone. I'll long-distance hold your hand. If I'm Mr. Fantastic, I could literally do it  :) 

A Japanesy pose for you for reading until the end!